SELF-love

Dear Journal,

Yesterday, I got sad over Will again. It’s the healing process, it takes time. I feel like he isn’t too comfortable being my friend anymore. Makes me sad a little bit. Actually, a lot more than a little bit.

At 3 pm yesterday, I was done with the day mentally. I felt bad all over again. Did I tell you lost my new AirPods the same day I was heartbroken? Yup, it was a perfect misery sandwich.

I was so emotionally exhausted that Mr. Mike my co-worker, could tell I was tired and asked if I was sleepy. I was completely done. I took my blanket and went downstairs to take a nap on a couch in ‘the cave’. It is an open space with games and chairs and couches for students to relax and unwind.

On my way to a couch, I saw my friend Avery sitting down at a table and he asked me if I was okay. I almost lied again but was too tired to formulate a lie. So, I said no, and sat down across from him. I told him a lot of things. I told him how I felt like I was nothing of value or importance. I told him how I felt guilty for wanting to have somebody like me romantically. I told him how I hated wanting a relationship.

He became an unpaid therapist. Haha. He asked me “why” for every negative think I said about myself. Then he said I just needed to see myself through other people’s eyes. Either my friends or someone who cares about me. He also said he thought I had anxiety, and asked me to start loving myself for real to help me improve. Eh. I don’t have anxiety.

But the point of this post is, I’m starting to work on loving myself. I’m going to buy me things that make me feel and look Drop-Dead GORGEOUS. I’m going to carry myself as the Empress that I am. Because I am SO AMAZING it’s unbelievable. I was like this last year and doubted myself a little. But the doubting got worse this time because I thought I was too much and actively started to become less LARGER THAN LIFE. Because I feared it pushed people away.

I remember a coworker told me that I could be seen as expensive and too much work because I looked the way I did. That’s why I might not ever get chased after.

But you know what? I don’t give a rat’s ass anymore. Or I am working not to give a rat’s ass. If you can’t handle, appreciate, fight, or step up for me, walk away. I am a BLESSING to come in contact with. And everyone, especially Will, should recognize that.

I AM WORTH TOO MUCH TO COMPREHEND. I am working towards completely believing this wholeheartedly. If my aura threatens or belittles you, then YOU do something about it. Because I will do absolutely NOTHING about it.